Babbletunes

Yeah, I'm listening to The Birthday Massacre, while typing on here and waiting for the shower. I'm kind of dreading that because i'm going to have look at myself naked and I don't want to do that because my self esteem - which is already at -20 - will go down about 10 more points at just seeing my ugly body. I know I'm ugly because ABSOLUTELY nothing looks good on me. NOTHING. Seriously. I have alot in my wardrobe and I don't look good in any of it. Fuck me.

So yeah. Life is pretty fail right now. I watched this TV show about this girl, who was so depressed she had to go to the hospital to get this special treatment for it. She got better, but I'm such a bitch and a selfish whore I think this isn't really depression it's just me being a selfish attention whore like usual. God I hate myself so much. I just want to shoot myself sometimes for being so fucking stupid. It's not like anyone reads this anyway, but whatever. This way i can express my feelings even that much more.

I don't really know if I'm depressed. I mean when I look up the symptoms I have all of them mostly. See here watch:

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions: Okay, those of you that really know me, know what a sucky memory I have. Also you all see me reading in class and you know I can't sit for too long or I go crazy. And of course I suck at deciding things too. Really. Even when I decide I'm unsure.
• fatigue and decreased energy: I sleep a ton and I suck in gym class. I also would much rather sleep all day than get up and do anything because I can't do anything energizing for too long. Well, I can walk on a treadmill for a while, which is fun, but other than that I just would much rather sleep for a while.
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness: Guilt = about alot of things you don't want to know about and that I won't tell you about either. Worhtlessness = Look I know I'm worthless. It's not just a feeling it's a fact. Same with the guilt. It's not just guilt it's a fact. Helplessness = I am helpless. No one can help me unless they send me to a mental hospital and get me on drugs. Otherwise I'm never going to better.
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism: We just covered this, but yeah. I'm very pessimistic. I don't really think there is any hope. I always look on the bad side. I really don't give a damn anymore. I just stopped caring.
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping: Ohyeah. I can never sleep. Either that or I stay up all damn night and then sleep until noon the next day
• irritability, restlessness: I am irritable. Believe me. I hate being that way, but I am. I get upset easily and I am restless. i always have to do something, but at the same time I'm so fucking tired.
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex: I've stopped writing. I don't go to youth group anymore. I don't dance anymore. i rarely sing or draw. I don't talk with my friends. I don't have them over much. I mostly just read or listen to music or dink around on the computer.
• overeating or appetite loss: This is due to the fact that I am fat and ugly and if I eat then I'll get fatter and if I get fatter than I already am then something will happen and I just am ugly okay?
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment: Yeah. I used to get these horrid pains in my chest area, like right over my heart. I still sometimes do. It was almost like my heart was hurting as much physically as I felt I was hurting emotionally.
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings: Yeah. Why don't you come to lunch sometime? or watch me in my room late and night crying myself to sleep. Would that convince you? Not that I can tell anyone that would do anything about it.
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts: Yeah. I think about suicide everyday. I don't even get that fucking "don't harm yourself" contract. That is waaayyy too early for that. yeah I gave Michael my razors, but I thought we were going to be friends for a while and he was going to help me. Oh no. Wait. Can't do that. he's got issues too. Fuck me.
   

✗How does it feel when all you're counting on is scatterbrained? Every wind that you have sailed upon, a hurricane? Every sun that you have seen was filled with April rain. It doesn't get easy, don't you know fortune smiles on you. You're not watching, dig that hole deeper. Fortune smiles on you. You're not watching. Create your own fate. Count your blessings and prepare to change your point of view. All those days that you spent waiting won't come back to you. Take off the glasses that have treated your world black and grey. It doesn't get easy don't you know?
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In case you can't tell, my new favorite song is April Rain by Delain. It kind of explains my feelings towards Michael (again) with the whole, "You know, isolation isn't the answer buddy."

Anyway. Wow. It has been a while, since I last posted, so herewego. [:

Christmas was awesome first off. I got Final Fantasy VII the original game, an Interior designing set, an Anberlin sweatshirt, a Barnes and Noble giftcard (I bought Hush, Hush and Fallen), a Hot Topic giftcard (I bought a Death Cab for Cutie t-shirt, an Avatar t-shirt, and a twloha t-shirt), Tempted by PC Cast & Kristen Cast, The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey somethingorother, a purse, a scarf, and gloves, an Avatar magazine, a Snuggie and all of the Harry Potter movies on blu-ray (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). So yeah, that was fun. [:

Then New Years was pretty badass. We just hung around, playing games, which was stupid, but we stayed up until midnight and we clinked glasses and I almost started crying when it became 2010. I don't know why. I just did. And my dog was freaked out when we lit off our little popper thingies. He spazzed, so I let him outside and when he came back in, he just laid by the door because he was so scared. Also, Hiroki, Zeke and I watched the new Star Trek movie. It was badass.

I had my friend Katie over the day after Christmas and we went shopping at Hot Topic and Barnes and Noble in Arbor Lakes to spend my money. After that, we went to AMC and saw Avatar. It was my 2nd time seeing it. I've seen it about six times. It's an amazing movie and I have a t-shirt (that is too fucking small for me!!!!) with Neytiri on it.

Finally, on the 2nd, my friend Alex Buckland came over and we played Trivil Pursuit which was a mixed version with Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. I think he won, but we never got to finish our game because his mom came to pick him up before we could finish. Also, my dog bit him for no apparent reason and he's letting me borrow a ton of his twloha stuff. He has alot of stuff believe me. He's letting me borrow Purpose for the Pain by Renee Yohe (which I'm currently reading), some twloha pins, and 2 t-shirts (Pick Up the Phone and Alive).

Today was the first day back at school and I'm trying to do my homework right now, but I was sucked here because I really don't want to do it now, since it's only seven and I only have to answer two questions before I'm done with my homework. I wanted to sing April Rain. Lol. Okay yeah. I am going to go now. I have to talk to my other friend Alex. I hope she's on.

*SQUEE'S!* I LOVE THIS SONG! -Vanilla Twilight by Owl City-

Okay, so lately I've been downloading alot of stuff. LEGALLY mind you. I downloaded Finale Notepad [YESYESYESYES] and I downloaded the Avatar soundtrack. However, my new favorite song is Broken Tonight by Armin Van Buuren, who happens to be badass. The song is downloading right now.

You know I keep going to bed later and later and I keep getting up earlier and earlier as Christmas gets closer and closer. Tomorrow for X-Mas Eve, I get to open one present and my brother told me I should open his because I'll be like :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD, so I'm going to take his word for it. Unfortunately, my dad is an asshole and won't let us open our presents until 4:30 in the afternoon and he thinks that we're not going to open presents on X-Mas day until 9:00 a.m. He really does not understand the concept of X-Mas. My sister and I are going to wake him up at 7:30 however, so yeah.

ARGH!!!! Tomorrow, I can guarentee, almost, that there will be a barrage of posts because I seriously cannot stand the suspense.

Writer's Block: New Lease on Life Okay, so I was reading the writer's block thingy and I saw how it said: What significant event happened to make you rearrange your priorities and guess what I immediately thought of? Yup, you're right. The whole Michael situation. So yeah, I decided before I tell you about Avatar - the most amazing movie ever - I decided to tell you that the situation with Michael really made me realize that there are more important things in life than just telling others about how you feel. You have to care about them too, or they're going to think that you're a selfish brat and leave you like Michael did with me. Sometimes you'll get them back, but other times you won't. So, put others before yourself is what I'm trying to say here.

Okay, so, as promised, I am going to give you my review on Avatar, which I went to on Friday. First off, I don't know how to describe this without giving away part of the story, so if you don't want to know the plot DO NOT read. Anyway, I loved it because a) it reminded me of Eragon, but the books not the movies. However, it reminded me of this in a way that wasn't like it was ripping off Eragon, it reminded me of it in the way that the Na'Vi were hard to accept Jake. Also, it reminded me of it how Neytiri and Jake fell in love and she's like alot older than him probably and he's not that old at all. Second of all, I liked it because the Na'Vi won their war against the humans. In reality, we would have just sent in another army, but we're going to enjoy this version where the Na'Vi win the war and the humans are screwed. I liked their dragons and their horses and their plants and insects. Their plants were badass. They would light up when you touched them or ran across their tree branches. I also like how the Na'Vi didn't like killing other animals, but they knew they had to and when they took a life they would say thank you for letting them take their life. I was going to have a third of all, but I pretty much said it. I also liked the soundtrack too, but there was only four songs that I really really liked enough to download.

Finally, the last thing I have to talk about isn't so happy, but I'll just describe it in one or two sentences what happened: So I thought that I'd let go of Michael because I didn't feel this strange need to have him in my life anymore. Yes, I still wanted to be his friend and have us be the way we were before, but I didn't feel like I needed him in my life anymore. I was very happy about this because I was sick of feeling this need for him. However, just a few days ago I had this dream about him. He was only in it briefly, but we were friends and he was helping me with something, so when I woke up all that progress I had made disappeared. Now I need to work on letting go again. At least I can still listen to Anberlin and Dance, Dance, Christa Paffgen without almost breaking down. I think it actually was the threat of him having blocked me from his Facebook that sent me over the edge again, but hey, I guess not everyone gets what they wish for for Christmas. Too bad too because if I did, I would be the happiest girl in the world right now.

So I've had this song stuck in my head since second hour, since I have Orchestra second hour. It's a pretty badass song that I hope I am badass enough to play. I think I did okay when I was playing along with my recording today, but anyway you should go to youtube and check it out, but the versions they have on there are fail, but I don't care. I think you should listen to it because it's awesome. It's about 8:50.

Anyway, Hiroki, my exchange student, had a choir concert today and I almost killed myself. It was sooo damn long and they sang the same annoying song twice, so I wanted to shoot myself by the end of the concert, but Hiroki did well and there was this one song called The Poet Sings that made me almost cry because it meant alot to me, the lyrics did anyway.

Okay, well I'm tired as hell thanks to my dog Maverick (he's a Great Dane and I got him on Sunday; I was going to tell you sooner, but I didn't have LJ access then), since he slept on my covers and I couldn't get any sleep, so yeah I'm going to bed. Night all.

Okay, so Christmas, now, literally is next week, but I'm more worried about my grades than Christmas. I have a good list that I was stupid enough to make a video of, since I was so damn bored. Anyway though, my grades aren't exactly the best and I seriously need to get them up before January 11th or I'm screwed over, so today and tomorrow and for the rest of the week and most of winter break I'm going to be working on my homework. I have to do a whole bunch of shit for English and whole bunch more shit for History. I'm probably going to use my late passes both of them on the two things that are due that I have yet to turn in, but anyway lets get onto happier subjects shall we?

Since most people are stupid and write selfless things they want to give for Christmas instead of get I'm going to be selfish like they should be and tell all of you what things I want for Christmas because I really, really want them.

1. Interior Design & Architecural set/kit/thing
2. Purpose for the Pain by Renee Yohe
3. Never Take Friendship Personal by Anberlin
4. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
5. Digital camera
6. Anberlin Custom Hoody
7. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
8. Shadowland by Alyson Noel
9. A good purse
10. Finale Notepad 9
11. Hot Topic Giftcard
12. Barnes and Noble Giftcard
13. iTunes Giftcard

So yeah that's what I want for Christmas! Alot!

Wow, I can't believe it's almost Christmas and I haven't posted anything for two weeks. Not that anyone reads this anyway, even though it would be awfully nice if they did. I should probably edit that adult content thing. Sheesh. I just did it because I cuss a little. Okay, there. Now people might actually read this, which would be amazing if someonea actually read and commented on my journal. You can read and comment on this without having an account. I'm pretty sure. I've done it on my friend Sora's journal before. (That's what she said.)

Okay, so anyway, where was I before I got into a rant about how my supposed friends never read my blog....ahhhh yes, Christmas. You know the Christmas season is by far and away my most favorite season of anything on Earth. Normal people say their favorite season is something like summer, spring, winter, or fall. My favorite season is the Christmas Season. I'm starting to think we already went through this, but oh well. My house is (finally) starting to look like Christmas really is next week sometime. Well not technically next week, but you get my point hopefully.

So last night I was listening to Our Song by Taylor Swift, and even though mine and Ian's song is Me Enamora by Juanes and it's entirely in Spanish and I only know what the dude is saying because Ian translated it for me way back in September and every time I hear it I think of him lying in that sexy position ( x] ) in his den when he was singing this song to me, anyway, while I was listening to Our Song I was thinking, "Hey! Wouldn't Ian and I have a song sort of like the song the girl and guy have in that song?" So I came up with this:

Our song is our jackets rustling when we give each other a hug in the morning. When we're on the phone and you talk REAL slow cause it's late and your mama don't know! Our song is the way you laugh, when we pass notes on paper in class, and when I got home before I did anything I went to the phone to play it again.

I know some of it is like the original, but hey, I think I did a pretty damn good job coming up with the parts that Miss Swift didn't come up with. Hey! Did you know she was dating Taylor Lautner?! He is FIIIIINNNEEEE. Not as fine as Ian though. :] ♥ ♥ ♥ I mean that sincerely.

Guess what I'm listening to right now? Uh-huh. Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire. Interesting how I only have two songs on my iPod from that movie, but I always seem to be listening to them whenever I'm on here. Hey how about I start naming my journal entries after songs I'm listening to while I'm writing this or songs that relate to whatever I'm writing about? Yup. I like that idea. Okay, so yeah. I should probably go edit all my journal entries real quick. I shall return and finish this in uno momento.

EDIT: Okay, I'm back now. Anyways, the song switched to The Haunting by Kamelot, which is an amazing song that I fell in love with before the school year started last year at a Twins game. I had downloaded the album The Black Halo and put it on my iPod and I was listening to it when I happened upon The Haunting and I was like this :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about fruity happy shit. I'm here to talk about Michael Van, the jerk, who has made me hurt so many times. He was one of my best friends up until about a month ago when I accidentally said something wrong and now he hates me. That isn't the whole story, but apparently I was suffocating him. I admit I probably was, but when we talked two weeks ago for the first time in two weeks, I told him I would back off and I did. For the two days we were friends again, I backed off. Then he came to me really angry about the problems in this world, almost like he expected me to fix them, and when I told him that I cared he didn't believe me. Really the second time was his doing. He needs to understand that I'm trying to help him, but no. He hates me.

Up until a few days ago, he hated some of his other best friends too: Betsy and Marissa. He's talking to them again, just not me. Why not me? I don't know. According to Betsy I caused him too much drama. Well, that can change, I'll just not be around him as much. I haven't talked to him in forever and when I tried talking to him yesterday he just flat out ignored me. I really want my phone back because then I can talk to him that way. Hopefully. Maybe.

I think one of the reasons he's so upset is because he thinks I just care about my problems and no one elses. I told him I don't, but he still won't listen. What the fuck?! Why are guys like that?! I really need to talk to him. Maybe if he would just listen to me for once we could solve this, but this is my luck we're talking about, so I highly doubt it.

The title tells all (as usual). I want to go to Subway and eat fresh because their shit is so fucking good!!!! Oh my god they're heaven on a bun as Katie so intelligently put it once. You know I should be working on my NaNo novel, but hey, good for me I got up to speed with it yesterday, no thanks to my fucked up cursor. Yes. My mouse is fucked up. If I leave it in one spot too long it changes the cursor to that spot and it makes me want to break this computer in half. I have Windows 7 now, which is badass and I can see why it's ALOT better than Windows Vista. I'm going to now go play Solitaire, while I listen to music. Either that or I'll write my NaNo novel. Or I'll do my homework. Ugh. I'm failing math and probably English too right now. Fuck school. I don't plan on going to college. My job really does require a college degree.

My aunt is coming over today. My evil aunt. Well she's not evil, she's just too much like my mom, only a worse version. Maybe that's because they're twins (duh). Now I feel like a moron. Caroline would say, "That's because you are a moron." xD Ahhh I love gym class. And History.

So I heard this amazing song over the weekend called Without You by Breaking Benjamin. It reminds me of my life currently. Well sort of. I shall translate it for you with the lyrics below.

1 Search for the answers I knew all along
2 I lost myself, we all fall down.
3 Never the wiser of what I've become
4 Here I stand, a broken man.

Okay so pretty much the first line reminds me of how I'm trying to remember what's happened to me before or really the answers to the unanswered questions that I have in my past. Really I know them, but I can't find them. If that makes sense. The second line is me falling deeper into this dark hole of pain and I can't find who I am. The third line is I don't really know what I've become. The fourth line is obvious. I am broken, but I am standing still anyway. And I'm a girl not a man.

1 All I have is one last chance
2 I won't turn my back on you
3 Take my hand, drag me down
4 If you fall then I will too
5 And I can't save what's left of you

The first line is saying that I only have one more chance to make everything better with Michael, but (second line) I'm not going to turn my back on Ian because I him. The third line could be for either Michael or Ian. Michael: I want him to help me and I want to help him, but he's hurting me. Ian: I love him and I want to be with him, but him being upset isn't helping anything. The fourth line is about both of them again because if Michael breaks and does something rash I'm going to fall and same with Ian. The fifth line is more or less about Michael. I can't save him if he doesn't want to be saved.

1 Sing something new, I have nothing left
2 I can't face the dark without you
3 There's nothing left to lose, the fight never ends
4 I can't face the dark without you

The first line. Well I'm really drawing a blank here. I guess it means that I need someone to help me up again because I have nothing left to live for now that my grandma is gone. The second line talks about Ian because I love him and I need him with me. The third line is pretty much a reiteration of the first line and the fourth line is the same as the second line, but it can be Michael this time, but right now I am facing the dark without him and that's hard to do.

1 Swallow me under and pull me apart
2 I understand, there's nothing left
3 Pain so familiar and close to the heart
4 No more, no less, I won't forget

First line: This could be referring to my parents. They pull me into darkness and rip me to pieces. Second line: I know that there isn't anything else I can do for anything. Third line: All this pain I feel I've felt before and it's tearing into the deepest part of me: my heart. Fourth line: I won't forget this pain and it isn't more or any less than before.

1 Come back down, save yourself
2 I can't find my way to you
3 And I can't bear to face the truth

The first line is so about Ian same with the second line. It's about me trying to help him while saving myself, but I ask him to save himself because I can't find my way to him because I'm trying to find myself. The last line is about how I can't bear to face the truth that Michael doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

The the chorus goes again.

1 I wanted to forgive
2 I'm trying to forgive
3 Don't leave me here again
4 I'm with you, forever, the end

Okay this whole section is about Michael. Except for the last line, but anyway the first line is about me saying I want forgive him for hurting me like this. The second line is about him saying he's trying to forgive me for whatever I've done. The third line is me begging him not to ignore me and leave me in this pain again. The last line is actually now that I think about it about Michael too. I'm telling him I'll always be here for him.

Chorus once more.

1 Holding the hand that holds me down
2 I forgive you, forget you the End

This is about Michael. All of it. I'm holding Michael's hand, trying to help him and trying to get him to notice me and stop ignoring me, but he's holding me down in this pain instead of saving me from it. I'm telling him that I forgive him for doing this to me, but I've forgotten all about him and that's the end of me.

Now that's my translation of this song, but songmeanings.com says something different and from one of the members of the site (TheOriginalChubbz [xD]) they said this: i love this song, the final chapter of dear agony, i cried when i heard this song because i felt this way before, i believe it is either the ending of a relationship through death or she breaks up with him, its about how he loves her so much that he allowed himself to be dragged down just to be with her but now that she is gone he realizes what he has become and now she is gone he cannot go on without her, the fight never ends and he has to face the dark of this world alone now. the reason i believe that she died is this verse


Come back down, save yourself
I can't find my way to you
And I can't bear to face the truth

this i think is either she saved herself and found a way out either in death or change, but now he has fallen so far down he believes he cannot find his way to her but he cannot face what has happened so he denies it now this is another verse that makes me believe she died

Holding the hand that holds me down
I forgive you, forget you, the end

he is holding the hand that dragged him down and now that he is at the end of their relationship he forgives her, he cannot have her leave with that regret and pain, he forgives her for doing that but he wants to forget the pain of letting go therefore the end. This song is wonderful and my favorite of all the songs, thank god for breaking benjamin, without them i would feel alone with these feelings of mine, but listening to these guys makes me know there are others out there with the same feelings, even though i have never met these guys i feel very close to them through their lyrics.

Oh wow. That's Michael. With Shelby. Only Shel is alive and not dead. Wow. Wow. Wow. I wonder if he would like this song. I should let him listen to this song. When he's done not talking to me. Also, this could be for Paperthin, the novel I shall soon be writing once NaNoWriMo is over. I love this song.

I haven't had this long of a babble in a long time since my old blog, cottensocks, but you know. I love this song and therefore I must babble about it. Hey, this is called babbletunes for a reason. ;]

Seriously it is. My grandma just died and I cried for a whole ten minutes after I found out. I've stopped crying now, but I think I've run out of tears. I'm not exactly sure what I feel. I know I'm depressed, but I just can't cry anymore. It's like all my tears have dried up. I can't do much. I can't write. I bet I could read if I felt like it, but I can't write. All I can do is just sit here and do nothing. I want to talk to Michael, but he's still being an ass, so that's out. I was talking to Sora for a while and she made me feel slightly better, but she isn't talking to me anymore. I talked to Cassi for a while, but she isn't online anymore either.

Anyway, last night I went to see Suessical the musical at my school and it was so badass. I loved it. I went to Subway afterwards before coming home to watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

One last thing. This is probably going to upset my parents for a while meaning things are going to be worse than normal. Some of you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, count yourself among the blissfully ignorant. Seriously, ignorance is bliss. If I hadn't found out my grandma had died, I'm not sure if it would have helped or hurt when I did find out. Anyway, I was blissfully ignorant about this other thing until about a year ago and even then I didn't believe it. I still dont'. I have the perfect life, right?

Right?